Shop – WRONG

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/Nun_beaten_in_carjacking_outside_Northeast_Philly_ShopRite_cops_say.html

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/5-Children-Locked-in-Car-265385771.html

You ever hear the saying that there is no such thing as bad publicity? Well, Shop Rite of Port Richmond sure hopes this cliche holds true given the week they just had. I mean who needs a can-can sale when it’s all over the news that a thug beat up and car jacked a nun outside your store? Who needs to spend thousands on weekly circulars when a local daycare owner leaves 5 babies unattended in a running car while she shops? Forget all those marketing dollars and newspaper ads, this shit is priceless! Now, I’m not hating on the place, in fact this blogger regularly shops there. However, this is definitely the talk of the town and the best advertising is always word of mouth! And these two incidents are not the first. The store has a long history of making the news as a crime scene. So, let this serve as a public safety announcement to be on the lookout. It’s not all that bad, I mean have you ever shopped at Thriftway at York and Aramingo? Given the breed of people in there, management must be praying for a drug bust or prostitution sting..something…anything!!

Church on Sunday? Scrap That…

http://6abc.com/news/100-year-old-lectern-stolen-from-kensington-church/122969/

Welp, I think it’s safe to say you can chalk this incident up to scrappers. These fuckers are like cock roaches, all over the place with their shopping carts and shit box pick up trucks. Can’t stand them. Dirtiest, filthiest, slimiest, smelliest, pieces of human waste you can find. They will try to scrap just about anything that isn’t bolted down. Man hole covers, pipes, construction site steel, empty kegs, fire hydrants, railroad tracks, you name it. These leeches will steal it and scrap it. And don’t think for a second that property at a church would be off limits. No fucking way. Once word spread around under the El that the church had a 150 pounds worth of brass inside, that eagle stood zero chance of making the next mass. Do you know how many oxy’s a scrapper can buy with the cash from 150 pounds of brass? Well, me neither, but scrapping is a booming business these days so I am assuming they can dip for days once they cash out. God Bless.

Ain’t No Party like a North Philly Block Party!!

http://6abc.com/news/double-shooting-near-block-party-in-north-phila/114836/

Ahhhh, tis the season right? The weather is warm, folks are out and about and neighbors are planning and putting on block parties. A neighborhood ritual, especially here in Philly. But, in the least shocking news of this past weekend, there was a shooting at a North Philly block party.

Traditionally, block parties in other Philly neighborhoods have DJ’s, hamburgers, kegs of beer, plenty of kids running around and a lot of laughs. Now, don’t get me wrong, North Philly parties have all of that cool stuff, but they always gotta take shit to the next level. And by next next level I mean someone is getting blasted. Not without good reason tho. Let’s face it, when it comes to North Philly (block party or not) there’s always gonna be someone trying to holler at someone else’s baby mom. There’s always gonna be someone trying to sell wet and Zanny bars on someone else’s turf. Perfectly good reasons to start firing away mind you. To be fair, there usually is some kind of bru ha ha at all city block parties, it’s just in North Philly they end up breaking out the Glocks, AK’s and sawed off’s.

How do we curb this problem you ask? Well, in order to throw a legitimate block party you have to apply with the city and pay a $25 fee. Which by the way I am quite sure all people follow through on in N Philly. Once the city sees a block party is scheduled, they need to immediately get a police officer on detail for the block. It’s a 1000% percent chance that half the party is packing hardware. Only a matter of time before someone gets disrespected. I mean, look at it this way. The Apple store knows that people are gonna try to steal and rob their stores. That’s a fact. So what do they do? They pay the city a million dollars a year to have a cop on duty there at all times. Just the cost of doing business. Need to start using some common sense when it comes to these North Philly blood baths block parties.

The WAWA Slicer

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/new_jersey/20140608_ap_5014e4994e6e4505865dd74e8edf468e.html

There is a reason everyone in the area has a love affair with WAWA. Total one stop shopping. Hoagies, coffee, energy drinks, smokes, gas, you name it. Ultimate convenience with super quick service. People who do not live where there are WAWAs have no clue what they are missing out on. With all that being said who knew you could go there and slice up your husband’s side piece? What an added value to your trip. I mean one minute the bitch is pumping gas and the next she is slicing this poor girl up like some deli meat. And how about the lesson learned by the gas pumping attendant? Yo dude you make 9 bucks an hour and you are gonna try and stop some psycho, scorned babe from dicing up her husband’s mistress? WAWA’s workman’s comp is probably not covering that. Know your role and whip out that iphone and start videoing that shit for the rest of us to enjoy. Big time WORLDSTAR fail right there buddy.

PS- If the fact that the bro that they were fighting over was in the bathroom the whole time isn’t the best part of the story I don’t know what is. I mean dude was totally oblivious of the bloodbath being created all because of his escapades. Guy was more clueless than Lloyd Christmas taking a leak when C-Bass was coming for him. If you think this crazy bitch didn’t have him on her list of people to cut up that day you are totally mistaken.

PPS – It’s a great thing that WAWA refuses to open stores in bad neighborhoods. I’d hate to see what kind of violence would break out if they did.

And the Creep of the Year Award goes too….

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/new_jersey/Deptford_man_sentenced_for_child_porn.html

No one ever likes to prejudge or let stereotypes get the best of us. However, if Bryan here doesn’t fit the description of your run of the mill child molester, pedophile or kiddie porn dude than I don’t know who does. Thats why mug shots on arrests are a must in all news pieces. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but in this case it’s worth at least a million words. By far the most notable and most important words that come to mind from this image are “Stay the fuck away”. Imagine this dude lived on your block as a kid? Nightmares for days.

Now, all of that aside, this guy had some serious game and cut throat tactics. I can just see his evil, creepy face sitting in front of his jizz stained laptop plotting out that thong underwear blackmail. Genius thinking but oh so sinister. Hey pal, why don’t you try putting some of that think tank to good use like getting a job rather than sitting in your parents basement starting a god damn kiddie porn museum.

I don’t think you can lock Brianna (Bryan) up for long enough. Dude is seriously damaged goods. He got 20 years so basically he will hit the streets (cyberspace) a heck of a lot more older and creepier.
SMH

Cats are Killer

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Cat-Turns-on-Stove-Fills-Apartment-With-Gas-260756901.html

Fucking cats. Not only are they useless but now apparently they can be deadly too! What in the world did this poor guy do to have his cat try to blow his apartment to smithereens?

I know what you are thinking, that this cat turned that deadly gas on by accident. I say bullshit. Cats get angry. Cats hold grudges. And this was apparently a hungry cat, which makes him 10 times more irritated and annoying than a regular cat. This guy had no shot! If you piss a cat off once good luck clearing your name ever again. I pissed my grand mom’s cat off once when I was 10 and that fucker hissed and clawed at me till I is was in my 20’s. They NEVER forget.

Herein lies just another example of why dogs are way better pets and cooler companions than cats could ever be. Dogs stick by your side hell or high water, no matter what. You forget to feed miserable ass Garfield once and BANG that little piece of shit blew you the fuck up! Reminds me of the old joke: If you leave your dog, cat and girlfriend locked in a car trunk for 3 hours, who is the only one wagging their tail, giving you kisses and happy to see you when you come back?

You guessed it!

God I love Dogs

Homeless John

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/Homeless_man_arrested_in_prostitution_sting.html

Totally not mad at this guy. Just a guy doing guy shit. Fuck it why not right? What did you think that just because this dude is homeless that makes him any different ? No sir. Do you even think that this is the worst decision this guy has ever made? Please, it probably doesn’t even crack his top 50 of horrible life altering mistakes. I always wondered what bums did with all that cash from peddling. I always thought that it went to crack or meth. Never crossed my mind they would be looking for toothless blow jobs.

Never mind the fact that he hasn’t eaten in a couple days. Forget about not having bathed in a few weeks and wearing the same clothes for a month. All that shit pales in comparison to getting a piece of ass. Guy was on a serious mission and nothing was going to stop him. Proof again that once a guy gets pussy on his mind thoughts get foggy and all logic goes out the fucking window.

OOPS I Crapped My Pants!!

photo-3

Now this is an example of when you might have a substance abuse problem. Forget about all the other tell tale signs like being broke, strung out, homeless, hungry, and infected with hepatitis A thru Z. All of those side effects pale in comparison to shitting yourself and not giving a fuck. When you are just hanging out under the el mid day on a Thursday with a huge pile of shit in your cargo shorts its time to look for a good program.

Don’t get me wrong. We’ve all been there to a certain extent. We’ve all trusted a fart when we shouldn’t have. We’ve all wiped in a hurry and left a little something behind. When this happens to someone who isn’t sky high, some toilet paper, a shower and getting a change of clothes become a number one priority. Not this guy. Forget about not giving a fuck, it’s highly likely this guy doesn’t even know that his shorts look like the BP oil spill.

PS…Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and think he is hanging outside of Martin’s Deli @ Kensington and Somerset waiting for his boy to come out with some Charmin Ultra. But I seriously doubt it. More likely he has been banned from the Deli and is waiting on his boy to come out with some Chore boy for the glass pipe.

Going Postal

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/28_Philadelphia_mail_carriers_attacked_by_dogs_last_year.html

What a bunch of pussies these mail carriers are. There is a week or day for EVERYTHING nowadays. National Dog Bite Week….Give me a break.

Before you go crying about your 28 dog bites and keeping stats and shit, I’m gonna tell you who to cry to. Go cry to a Philly cop who gets shot at or a firefighter climbing high ass ladders. Go cry to a teacher who gets pulverized a couple times a semester by the creeps that populate schools these days. Where’s the report and statistics on those poor bastards?

And where did the post office get the money and time to come up with this? Ranking cities by dog bites and shit? The last time I saw they were a bankrupt business. Shutting down offices all over the city. Glad to see they had the cash to fund this report. Maybe thats why the cost of a stamp keeps going up. 28 bites is one bite for every minute I have to wait in line at one of your shitty offices to buy a stamp or pick up a package.

PS.. By the way, dogs are just doing their job here. You have to keep in mind that dogs view the house as their own. Add to that some asshole delivering a stack of foreclosure, repo and shut off notices to their owner and you expect them not to do anything about it? Not a chance. Man’s best friend to the millionth power

Mugshots PLEASE!

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/34_johns_snared_in_recent_prostitution_stings.html#disqus_thread

What the fuck phllly.com? Seriously? You just blew it big time! You have a great story here. EVERYONE loves a great hooker – John bust. You guys left out the absolute best part. Where the fuck are the mug shots? You can’t publish a story like this with out posting all 34 of these faces. Thats gotta be Journalism 101 right? It’s all about selling papers and getting clicks. Mug shots sell. If I see mugshots in a story I’m clicking on it. No matter what. Can you imagine a teacher -student sex story with no mug shot? Wouldn’t happen. When Kiddie Porn creeps get busted in DELCO there are always mug shots in the story. Seems pretty cut and dry here. No excuse for this laziness. They had a softball tossed their way and whiffed on it. Moral of the story here is that a picture is worth a thousand words and seeing these dudes’ sad mugs adds tons of value. Gotta see the pic to get the full effect of the desperation, despair, embarrassment, loss of dignity, and utter shame these Johns went through. Thanks for ruining that for us phillly.com. Get it right next time!